All Roads Lead to a Fresh and Exciting New Vision of Hell
Oh, and care to learn how much you need to pay for a plastic statue of a dinosaur promoting one of the year's worst movies? The answer might surprise you!
You gotta hand it to the Times - I might give the newspaper shit on a regular basis, but sometimes it does deliver the goods. For instance, take this Sunday's story about a whole mess of corruption surrounding the construction of the Marsa Junction project. You'll surely know of this set of flyovers, and how they were inaugurated multiple times with kind of pomp and circumstance that's usually reserved for the dictators of obscure former Soviet republics unveiling a statue in their likeness. Anyway, the flyovers were supposed to be built by one Ayhanlar Yol Asfaltlama, a Turkish company that one the government tender with a lowball €40 million offer. Now, as per the Times, Ayhanlar won the contract in 2018 through the help of friend for all Yorgen Fenech, who for the measly sum of €2 million promised to grease the wheels with the government he was oh so close with. This payment was labelled as a "success fee," something that is done because capitalism is a very good and sensible system through which to run an entire planet. Anyway, turns out the Turkish firm was actually so close to failure despite its attempting a major overseas project, and it did, in fact, announce its bankruptcy all of three months after it got the contract. Of course the Labour government wasn't going to let something of the sort get in the way of the erection of its monument to concrete and tarmac, so it got someone else to take care of the project. Enter Robert Yildirim, a Turkish billionaire with zero experience in road construction who set up a "Shining Star Construction" to do something he never did before. Now here's the kicker - Ayhanlar failed to pay Yorgen his €2 million, what with its going tits up, but Yorgen wanted that money because he had important plans of the "split the money between two companies, one holding his shares in the Electrogas power station and the other a sister company to his 17 Black slush fund" variety. What was Yorgen, scion of the island's richest family and as such not really in need of even more ill-earned wealth, to do? How about try to bully Yildirim via instant messaging? In a true display of the rich being as dogbrained as the rest of us dumb farmyard animals, Yorgen took to aggressively demanding for his "success fee" while the Turkish moneyman repeatedly told him to fuck right off. In turn Ayhanlar insists it was actually fucked over by the Maltese government, as it didn't get a cent of the money and the contract was reassigned to Yildirim behind its back. Now if this was it we wouldn't have learned a peep of this whole story - after all, as mentioned earlier we are but dumb farm animals, fit only to eat shit and be milked for tax monies until we are deemed worthy of the sweet mercy of death. BUT - and this is one hell of a but - European Union funds were involved in this case, and the EU would love nothing more than making a fine example of its smallest, shittiest state when it comes to the misappropriation of its monies. Because sure, while politicians across the continent love to hand out funding for the construction of bridges to nowhere to their closest beneficiaries as much as their equivalents in this coffee table of an island, you should at least put a bit of effort in hiding your graft, as opposed to put it in the hands of the coked up dipshit who could have used his family's hideous wealth to spend his days doing literally nothing other than stuff more coke up his gills. Oh and the Maltese police opened a "file" on this case over two years ago but did absolutely nothing about it because hey, fancy that. Our fine boys in blue, doing all they could to protect the rich and powerful and politically connected. Well, as if you'd have risked your job if you were in their shoes, you fucking dumbass. Do you think I'm being funny, like a clown? Because... I suppose I am? Anyway.
Speaking of the roads... Traffic! Now if I were writing this a couple of years ago I'd be smugly telling how I'm lucky enough to work from home, and as such do need to tackle the roads on even a weekly basis, but alas I now have to work outside my hovel, and as such I hate both that and the commuting it entails. And isn't it great that an island the size of a coffee table is wholly dependant on driving? Isn't it fun to learn about trips that would usually take 20 or so minutes at most clocked to well over an hour because the academic year has started? Wonder who's responsible for this particular state of affairs? It's Ian Borg, but oh right he's now playing globetrotter on the taxpayer's expense, leaving us saddled with fellow dipshit Aaron Farrugia as minister for infrastructure. Sure, the bus service is now free, but so what? What's the point of taking the bus if it's going to take even longer than braving the traffic in yours of vehicle? Maybe we should all go ahead and get motorcycles, even if the very thought of taking a vehicle with less than four roads on our roads fills me with existential fear. Maltese cyclists of all shapes and forms, hear this - you're braver than I could ever be, basically braver than a thousand US marines, and I salute you.
Guess what, kids! Minister for finance Clyde Caruana is also worried about the traffic! Speaking at the launch of the first "national skills survey"1, Clyde told the audience - or at least "suggested", as per good ol' Lovin Malta - that the island should shift away from "Muscatonomics," the economic model of growth at all costs that had all the big brain liberals tug their dicks so hard they tore the skin right off2, to... something else. What that is, we don't know, and neither does Clyde. After all, it was this most beloved of tuber-headed ministers that came up with the brilliant idea of importing loads and loads of third country nationals in order to ensure that the wages for supposed low-skill (but still involving more skill than, I don't know, politics) labour remain as low as possible. Now Clyde is telling us that if we stick to the combination of overpopulation and overdevelopment that he spent a decade and change championing then the traffic situation will only get worse. Well thanks and proset, ministru, no one on this Earth has ever thought of that, ever! “We will end up wasting our scarce resources that could be invested in other sectors and give us a better result,” Clyde tells us, all while his party continues to waste scarce resources and not giving a shit about anything other its own pockets. Instead we should turn our gaze towards Singapore, a nation that was repeatedly pointed at as one of the models the island should be following way back when all the liberal smarties vocally expressed their admiration for their one and only God Man, Joseph Muscat3. So shall we do like Singapore and, I don't know, impose strict controls on property prices, Clyde? Or will we do absolute shit like we always do, Clyde? But maybe I'm being too harsh on dear Clyde here - after all he is very humble, and while he did have his ministry pay for Facebook posts featuring his beautiful root vegetable of a head, he did not do so in the name of self-promotion, even if the unkind could interpret using taxpayers' monies to for sponsored posts featuring the ministru's face and text reading "YOUR GOVERNMENT IS MAKING SURE YOUR ENERGY BILLS REMAIN LOW, AS OPPOSED TO WHAT THEY'RE DOING IN THE REST OF EUROPE, PRESS LIKE AND COMMENT PROSET MINISTRU." Then again I've never exactly been kind, have I? Hah!
What's the one thing needed by a small, dry rock in the middle of the sea in order to sustain life? If you answer was "fresh water" then well done, you got it right! You're smarter than the dolts running the Maltese government, who allow the rampant abuse of the island's precious groundwater by allowing sorts of ghouls and parasites to simply suck it all up for the low, low price of... free! For instance, concrete factories stole no less than 95 million liters of groundwater that, again, they paid absolutely nothing for. Now go ahead and do recycle your plastics and Bolt delivery boxes, idiot, as if it all won't go right in the same place while the likes of Joseph Portelli's illegal cement factory continue taking all our water, for free. Then again we'll get some more of those absolutely wretched flat blocks that are Portelli's bread and butter, so I guess this whole fucked up state of affairs brings us at least one winner.
What would you do to get yourself a whole €5 note? Would you join hundreds of your fellows in a Hunger Games-style event organised by an app? Because that's what University of Malta students did when the company behind the "FreeHour" app burst a balloon filled with €1,000 worth of €5 notes over the "Campus Hub," a typically hideous attempt at foreign student housing built on top of a shopping centre. "Nothing like this has ever happened before on a Maltese campus, and we are always trying to do something new and different for students," the CEO of FreeHour told the Times and sure, I can believe that. The whole affair, and the photos of swarm of students elbowing each other to get themselves some of the cash, led to plenty of tut-tutting from members of older generations, as if these people wouldn't have done the same. Hell, I would have also participated in the money scrum, because I am Maltese and as such not one to look at a gift horse - or free banknotes dropping from the sky - in the mouth. Last week's edition of The Maltese Body Politic had a whole screed about how my generation of 30-40-somethings is the worst of the fucking lot, and I'll stick with every word said there. As for the youngs? Eh, they're smart enough to know that dignity is overrated anyway. Will dignity buy you a beer, or satisfy your hunger? Of course it won't. And considering the kind of people the University of Malta has producing over the years maybe the institution, and the academics it employs, should take a long, hard look at themselves before insisting that such stunts do not align with their values. After all, wasn't it the University of Malta that okayed the razing of lecture halls to make way for the aforementioned Campus Hub?
Another question! How much would you pay to have your country promote the hit film Jurassic World Dominion through the installation of three (3) dinosaur statues? Wait, you might ask, surely it's the film's distributor, in this case Universal Pictures, that should be shelling out to promote its summer blockbuster? Well no you imbecile, you fucking moron, the answer is that the country - in this case Malta, obviously - paid €17,100 for the honour of promoting the film, which some might note had at least a couple of sequences filmed over here, plus an additional €9,100 for a premier that had hosted of the more notable members of the cast or crew, be it lead actors Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard or director Colin Trevorrow. Then again who needs such celebrities when you can have your premier attended by the likes of tourism minister Clayton Bartolo, film commissioner Johann Grech and their entire entourage? All in all money well spent, as we're assured at least someone came to Malta to check out a fibreglass replica of "Blue," the velociraptor from the multi-billion Jurassic World franchise. And look, Jurassic World Dominion's Malta is a hive of scum and dinosaur black market villainy, but a mention from a blockbuster movie is a mention, okay? May the next big Hollywood movie looking to dodge its taxes by filming over here have Malta as a full-on tax-dodging villain's lair, we don't care. Dignity never paid anyone's bills, never mind boosted their ego.
Crisis alert! Malta has too many fucking restaurants! The news comes courtesy of Association of Catering Establishments vice president Matthew Pace, who tells TVM show Popolin that we have no less than 3,500 licensed restaurants, making 1 restaurant per 150 residents. And... So what? Seriously, who gives a shit? What's the point of all of this? What does the Association of Catering Establishments want? Aren't these people all about capitalism? If there truly are too many restaurants then some of them - - including some fine establishments - will close down, and those who manage to cater for the mob will flourish. Simple as that. Or does the restauranteur lobby want daddy government solve their being too many hamsters in a single cage4situation, maybe by making the already dirt cheap labour they depend on even cheaper? Just come out and tell us you want a US-style situation where you don't pay a living wage and have your staff depend on tips, Matthew Page, that'd be a better look for all of us here in this mudhole.
Are you ready kids? It's time for the Periti You Should Walk In The Traffic Challenge5! As mentioned last week I have no respect for these fucking people, who are little more than remoras drawing ugly little drawings for the contractor whales they are subservient too. So what architectural atrocities have these dipshits been up to this week? First off one of their number this trash of a design for - what else - yet another goddamn apartment block would make a perfect replacement for a 19th century Sliema townhouse and its mature garden. Sure there's objector Edward Said campaigning against this crime, but the Planning Authority is subservient to the government, and we all know who fills the party in government's pockets. Any words from the other periti in, say, the Kamra tal-Periti? Not a peep! Speaking of destruction, how about the story of a perit who ran a demolition so badly he lost his warrant for a full six months? It'd be funny if he wasn't, you know, endangering actual people's lives, even if the man denies any wrongdoing because hey, he's a perit, just a nasty little parasite doing what he's told! Since we're going on about parasites and their hosts, the King Host of all these parasites is no other than Joseph Portelli, who wants to bulldoze a green enclave in Mosta and replace it... yes another fucking apartment block. Well okay it's not just the Gozitan magnate that's to blame here, as the application has been submitted by a company Portelli owns €1.8 million worth of shares in, but you can guess how that application will go with the Planning Authority! And finally, here's the fun story of the sheep farm that is definitely a sheep farm and not an agritourism business built in a once pristine valley. Look, the sheep need a two-storey building complete with parking spaces, retail outlets and guest rooms, okay? And the Planning Authority gave it all its stamp of approval, so that's that. Anyway join us next week as we once again encourage all the periti to find themselves a more honourable profession, like fishing for turds with the hands they use to produce the architectural equivalent of human excrement6.
People who are in no way my friends have let me know that Jon Mallia, the coward who will not have me on his podcast, got former PN leader Adrian Delia on his podcast. The episode is currently available only for Patreon subscribers, but even if it were available for free there's like a million billion things I'd rather do than listen to what amounts to a hollering dullard indulge in self pity as he refuses to admit that he was too weak to just pull the trigger and shoot the opposition he used to lead right in the skull. And in any case I refuse to give Jon Mallia any money, as cowards who will not have me on their podcast do not deserve even a single cent. In case you do give Jon Mallia money then you should do the right thing and give it to me. Sure I don't host a podcast but really, do you want to waste three hours of your limited time on God's green Earth listening to a dipshit bloviate in front of a moron? Yeah, thought not.
I'll be closing this week's Maltese Body Politic with a headline that, at first glance, appeared to be a shitpost. "Is that Bis-Serjeta' character going avant garde with the satire" I wondered as I saw this Lovin Malta story about an eight-legged horse statue accompanied by what looks like a crude squiggle doodled over a photo of of the Gozitan coast. Look, I've been having a hard time with the business of living lately, and as a result I'm so very tired. Never mind that the headline failed to even tell part of this goddamn story, so I'm going to retell it here so you don't have to give Lovin a click. The Gozo ministry has plans to have Austin Camilleri, an artist famous for a statue of a horse featuring three legs, erect a bronze monument of a horse with eight legs in a piece of ODZ land in Żebbuġ, Gozo. However that land is privately owned, and the owner would rather not have any horse statue on his property, no matter the amount of legs. The area has already had some problems with monuments in the past - specifically a stone spiral that was committed without the land owners' consent, leading to its getting cleared up. Anyway, bravo Gozo ministry - your proposal was truly the best shitpost of them all.
Is that it for this week? Yes, of course it is. I've nothing else for you other than this rad song from 1984's Ginga Hyōryū Vifam, aka Galactic Drifter Vifam, aka Space Castaways Vifam. See you in the next one!
By all means go check what that actually is and then let me know about it, I'm not being paid to do this.
And then they continued tugging anyway, seriously those people just animals, disgusting and lacking in any self control.
So you know, a couple of years ago? This isn't ancient history!
You know what happens when there are too many hamsters in the same cage? They basically kill and then eat each other.
PARODY, SATIRE, IT'S A FUCKING JOKE GET OVER YOURSELVES
Not a joke, fuck you