Is There Anything in this World One Can Truly Describe as a Coincidence?
Meanwhile Malta got 99 problems, but values ain't one!
When is it the best time to have the triggermen behind a journalist's murder admit their guilt in the courts of the land? The timing of such events arguably shouldn't matter - beyond it being "as soon as possible," perhaps - but it's possibly not a coincidence that Alfred and George Degiorgio announced the reversal of their "not-guilty" plea near exactly on the fifth anniversary of Daphne Caruana Galizia's murder. The result? The two get 40 years in prison, a total that can be reduced to "just under" 25 years through good behaviour. It also means we've had four people admit their role in the car bombing - the Degiorgio brothers, accomplice Vince Muscat and middleman Melvin Theuma. Yorgen Fenech, who allegedly commissioned the murder, remains as tightly shut as a clam regarding the case, as do bomb suppliers Robert "Ta' Maksar" Agius and Jamie Vella. Following that? Well, Repubblika organised a demonstration where Robert Aquilina, the president of the rule-of-law NGO, declared he had received more "proof of abuse" committed by the police commissioner and the attorney general, while prime minister Robert Abela told those attending his Sunday political sermon that the court sentence was another step towards "full justice" for Daphne. Never mind Bobby didn't care to visit any of the memorials for the journalist - which is for the best, considering how Daphne hated both him and the party he represents. Too bad this is the kind of issue liberals love to get worked up on, what with their wanting to reconcile their crocodile tears for the slain journalist with the fact that they vote for the people that indirectly1 caused her death. As for the court case itself, considering I've long had any optimism beaten right out of me it's to believe those who actually commissioned the car bombing will face any actual "justice." These are the Maltese courts we're talking about, after all - the same courts that, mere weeks ago, insisted that naming the party the minister involved in that driving license scandal would have been too "political." So maybe, just maybe, we should heed the Degiorgios' exclamations that the "courts are corrupt." I would ask a lawyer regarding the veracity of such claims, but I don't exactly hang out with such persons and would much rather not have to, ever, so I'll leave that particular just hang, right there. Maybe you can think about it, like I have.
The fifth anniversary of Daphne Caruana Galizia's murder via car bomb was as good an excuse as any for The Times to have professional person botherer Mark Laurence Zammit bother some persons in the capital of the nation in the name of the dreaded "vox pop." Most people, rightly aware of the fact that their mouth noises are not fit for uttering in public, kept their heads down and mouths shut as they ignored the floppy haired dipshit from Xarabank, but others decided that the time was right for them to share their opinions in front of the newspaper's cameras - and the views expressed by Cedric Farrugia was deemed so impressive they got their own, separate feature. What did this man say? Only that Malta's values "have gone to the dogs." To which I answer - what values? Seriously, only now you've managed to figure out this basic statement of fact? You think this is some sort of recent phenomenon? Hell, I won't even blame this on the 2013 election of Joseph Muscat, as that was just a symptom of the fact that, no matter the insistence of Catholicism printed right in its constitution, the island of Malta has always been wholly bereft of values - unless one can define amoral stupidity and greed as values, in which case hooo boy, we've got values for days! No one expressed that fact more clearly than the aforementioned Degiorgio brothers themselves, who on the Who Killed Daphne podcast plainly admitted that their one regret was not the killing, nor its brutality - that was just another day at the office for these people - but their being too greedy and stupid and lazy to do their damn homework. After all, if they did their damn homework then they would have known both who Daphne was and who wanted her dead2, allowing them to charge more for the act and get themselves some actual insurance should things go south - as they did, as the two were too stupid and lazy to properly get rid of the burner phones they used. And let's not go thinking for even half a second that this amorality and greed and stupidy is also not present at the very top. Take Yorgen Fenech, for instance. The man could have had an easy life doing absolutely nothing other than getting coked up to the gills as the scion of the richest family in Malta but no, he wanted more. He wanted to chum up with the with the political powers that be, he wanted to run a power station, he wanted to get richer than anyone ever had on this blob of filth, and he nearly did it! Or what about the liberal choice of prime minister, Joseph Muscat? Now there's someone else who could have lived it up as a major chemical importer's failson, but instead he crawled his way up the political pyramid in order for... what? A high-ranking position in the EU? Too bad he lost it all after his closest associates - the supposed ministerial super genius and the business Machiavelli - got fingered by the Panama Papers due to their being too stupid and greedy to properly hide their tracks! Now he has to spend his days gurning on his Imelda Marcos of a wife's Instagram in between holding court with the business animals running the Maltese football "community," something that sounds more debasing than anything he ever did back when he was a Labour Party propagandist. It all makes for a suitably humiliating fate to an absolute hideous wretch of a man, perhaps, even if he always deserves a whole lot worse. And look, I'm in no way suggesting I'm superior to any of this; I'm as pure an example of Maltese manhood as any of these grotesques, being as stupid and greedy and lazy as the rest, but I'll get into that in a bit - because now, this!
I don't often hand it to local journalists, but when I gotta, well, gotta. First, a spot of background. I promise it's related to the previous topic so bear with me. The prime minister has proven resistant to the idea of the government dedicating an official monument to Daphne Caruana Galizia - a sentiment I'd argue she would have agreed with, what with her hatred for these swine. “The respect we show every day towards her family is the way in which we must remember her memory,” Abela told the MaltaToday, which is a statement produced minutes after announcing that recently deceased former Nationalist Party deputy leader Robert Arrigo was going to receive Republic Day honours. As to what for I have no idea, considering he was wholly unremarkable as far as political figures go, but best not speak too ill of the dead, right? But here's something clever pointed out by Newsbook's English language correspondent - the Labour Party maintains a good number of monuments to political figures across the island, including one to the notorious Lorry Sant, who has an entire public garden to his name in his hometown of Paola. So, Newsbook asks, will another politician hailing from Paola - the equally notorious Konrad Mizzi - receive the same honour? Do we need to wait until he too kicks the bucket to learn that will ever be the case?
The Maltese Body Politic will continue handing out the accolades, this time to "law and justice" NGO Repubblika. The organisation's activists have been fighting to have magistrate Nadine Lia removed from a court case involving top Pilatus Bank officials for quite a while and, by golly, they actually did it! The constitutional court ruled that the case should be assigned to a different magistrate, even as Lia refused to step aside multiple times! But why should Lia be removed from this particular case? Well, she's only the daughter-in-law of Pawlu Lia, who happens to be the lawyer of key figures involved in the Pilatus scandal, including no other than eternal liberal darling Joseph Muscat and the Labour Party as a whole. He was also the lawyer who set the terms of reference for the inquiry into Egrant, which heavily implicated Pilatus Bank. Repubblika - rightly, I will add - insisted that magistrate Lia's familial ties made for quite the conflict of interest, and her turning down repeated requests to recuse herself led to the filing of constitutional proceedings. Looks like at least one national institutional is working, then? Maybe?
Here's the opposite of handing "it" to anyone - well, unless the handing involves closing one's fingers to form a fist. First off, convicted revenge porn sharer and Member of European Parliament Cyrus Engerer is telling us that "partisan bickering is alienating citizens." Ooh, what a hero, tell us more facts that we don't know about, convicted revenge porn sharer Cyrus Engerer! Because here's a fact - less than a decade ago broke into his ex-boyfriend's house, copied photos one can describe as "of a highly personal nature," then forwarded the photos he deemed most damaging (and did not feature him) to the ex's boss and colleagues via burner email. And Cyrus could have gotten away with if he wasn't so stupid and lazy that he used the burner email at a friend's office, something the police Cyber Crime unit managed to find out. This led to Cyrus getting a two-year prison sentence that was handily suspended for two years, since it turns out Cyrus Engerer is also one of the star former PN turncoats Joseph Muscat liked to gather around him like so many other ghouls and cretins. As to why Cyrus switched sides he'd insist it was all about divorce and gay rights, but it was certainly all about wanting more of the government pie, what with his being as greedy and stupid and lazy as the rest of the company he now keeps. So yes, this man now lecturing us about the "partisan hate." Yeah sure thing, bub. He also has the stones to complain to the European Parliament that he felt "not welcome" at a vigil held after the assassination of Daphne Caruana Galizia - which probably means he got some bad looks, although considering how much Daphne hated his ilk he should have been kicked right out. So yeah, great people we have at the European Parliament, what a fantastic institution. Truly marvellous. Also indulging in some lecturing is fat motherfucker Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando, another turncoat from the Laurence Gonzi era who'll recall being too lazy to get himself an even mildly challenging position within the government he now supports. I'd tell him to go editorialise elsewhere but then again it's my fault I went checking the Malta Today, so joke's on fucking me. Well okay he did campaign in favour of divorce, but that was only he wanted to avail himself of such a service. What, you thought a politician would think about anyone - or even anything - other than himself? What are you, stupid? Well wait you might be Maltese in which case yes, you are exactly that. About time you realised that, dumbass.
Since Cyrus is a member of the European Parliament, let's stick to that institution for the remainder of this hot minute. Members of the EP have, apparently, "sent an unequivocal message" to all involved for the impunity afforded to Joseph Muscat - who got his political career started at the EP - and pals by the Maltese government. This message came through... a vote. A vote by the majority of European Parliamentarians, admittedly, but still little more than that. So what does it even mean? What's the point? The EU hasn't been able to stop Malta from peddling passports for the past 9 years, for all the talk and votes from those occupying the EP's seats, so never mind something that is as vague as "uhhh some guys have been showing some impunity, maybe do something about it?" The Labour Party's four MEPs - Josianne Cutajar, Alfred Sant, Alex Agius Saliba and Cyrus Engerer - voted against the resolution, and just as well considering that they owe everything, including their very positions as MEPs, to the great man. And one has to take the bad with the good, as that's quite a touching display of loyalty, you know? They could have let their parliamentary grouping bully them into voting against the once and future King but no, they stood against the majority and loudly and proudly cast their votes in his favour. This is something the PN's own MEPs wouldn't have done, being bloodless wannabe technocrats who believe in no one and stand for nothing. Don't believe me? Just take a look at how Roberta Metsola - now president of the EP - flip-flops on the matter of abortion, then get back to me. So yes, the MEPs might babble, but in the end of the day they're all just young politicos wanting a leg-up as they make their way towards where real power actually lies (which is to say, the real parliaments back home), old coots with a foot in the grave with a want for an extra pension before they kick the bucket and replicants designed for a life shuffling in the bowels of the continent's bureaucracy. I sometimes wonder why the real forces running the European technocracy keep insisting on this charade... well, maybe they just want a place where their failchildren and youngsters who think they're too big for their local britches can pretend to have a job once they come of age.
I've briefly mentioned Malta's selling of passports up there, so let's take a look at who - allegedly - got themselves a nice helping of Maltese citizenship, shall we? According to The New York Times billionaire and vampire Peter Thiel3 is one of the latest owners of a Maltese passport, and supposedly renting an apartment in Valletta... one the newspaper says is currently being rented out on Airbnb to another couple. Curious! Or perhaps not, considering the fact that we Maltese are greedy and stupid and hey, you can do anything you want when you have a whole fuckload of money. And speaking of money - hey, Mister Thiel! It's me, Marco! Now I know how you like to manipulate US politics by spreading that fine dinero around, so wouldn't you want to like to manipulate the politics in your new homeland? Because that's where The Maltese Body Politic can come in handy! You can either pay me to have this fine publication pivot straight into a hard right-leaning position or, if you really want, just buy it straight off my hands! I don't give a shit, unless you pay me to! Money rules everything around me! Heck, for the right price I can even point you towards the kind of pseudo-artistic morons that can be turned into full on neo-Catholic reactionary weirdos for a lot less than what you ever spent on the Manhattan art scene. Mencius Molbug? Pfft, I'll show you a true European equivalent faster than you can sign a big cheque, in my name. Come on Daddy Thiel, let's make a full-on Maltese Dimes Square4 happen! CALL ME.
Finally, let's close off with something fun. Something cute. Something that can be enjoyed by all the family. Earlier this week a member of something called "Bulletproof Culture"5 challenged transport minister Aaron Farrugia for a bike ride on the Maltese streets - -and their excuses for cycling lanes - together with the local cycling community. Fast-forward a few days and Aaron actually accepted the challenge, claiming that he likes to cycle in his free time as he did. Aww, ain't that nice? Told you this was going to be nice, didn't I? Rest assured this is a story that'll be followed closely by The Maltese Body Politic, especially since I cant' wait for what kind of idiot media circus Aaron will bring with him as he meets these Bulletproof people. What, you thought he's not so cynical so as to do something of the sort? What are you, stupid? Well if you're Maltese you are exactly that - you’re still as mean and stupid and greedy and lazy as the rest of us, no matter how ripped your abs happen to be. As for the cyclists, well, last week I described them as being braver than all the troops, so I hope they don't immediately fold under the pressure of being used for propaganda by this absolute fucking imbecile. Use that courage you employ while facing the horror that is the Maltese traffic on what amount to two wheels on a metal frame and give him hell! Either make him sweat like I do at the thought of doing a pull-up or just fuck right off in shame while knowing that no, you don't deserve any bicycle lanes after all. Okay? Okay.
Turns out I wasn't very nice at the end right there, wasn't I? Oh well, it's not as if "niceties" fall under The Maltese Body Politic's remit in the first place. Do I have something to recommend? Umm... I guess the Chainsaw Man anime has started? It's good, I think? Anyway, byeeee.
I'm covering my ass, okay?
Sure the murder was commissioned by middleman Melvin Theuma, but finding out who that was and what company he kept would have required little more than asking some questions around before entering his name in the Facebook search bar.
Well it’s rumoured that he gets blood transfusions from young donors, so you know, same difference.
If you don't get all these references to these very real events and characters then I'm so very jealous.
It’s described as a “Fitness Community," so basically a bunch of overly fit youths who spend too much time at the gym in order to earn the privilege of being able to show off their abs on Instagram. I hate them.