The Maltese Body Politic Declares Its Independence
But from what what does independence even mean? I don't know!
I'm writing most of this edition of the Maltese Body Politic on the 21st of September, which all the locals will know as Malta's Independence Day. This fact brings oh-so-many thoughts of the "independence from what" variety, but I'm not going to dwell on those this time around. However I will reveal my ignorance as I admit that the 1964 Maltese constitution - the one the island got on this very day - named the British crown as its ultimate head of state. This state of affairs ended in 1974, when Malta declared its a Republic and what remained of the British Empire on the island shuffled off back to rainy ol' Blighty. Would things be better if the Queen - or, well, King now - remained Malta's head of state? I'm the opposite of a monarchist but... maybe? Any British royal, as inbred as it is, would still be better than the lot in parliament! Hah! Admit it, I still got it you dumb motherfuckers!
Any public holiday in Malta involves an obligatory celebratory mass, where we get to witness what some might suggest is a proof of God's non-existence as a cohort of soulless swamp things sat their asses in St John's Co-Cathedral for an hour and a bit of socially obligated preaching. I'm sure this lot of ghouls took the archbishop's words on the "scourge of social climbing" to heart! There's no doubt that, I don't know, ministrudroid for the economy Silvio Schembri, got himself a Damascus Moment after hearing the archbishop insist that politicians should get into their hideous trade "to serve without expecting anything in return". Still, very good words, your holiness, like those uttered regarding the common good and the safeguarding of the environment. It's a bit of a farce, frankly, and by this point they can do worse than demolish that same cathedral and turn it into yet another fucking boutique hotel, a fitting monument for a country that has long sold off its soul to the lowest bidder.
I actually mentioned Silvio Schembri in that previous segment for a reason, and it's one that involves last Saturday's episode of the Doctor Andrew Azzopardi Radio Show. Some of you might recall how last week saw a 4-year old Syrian girl die of thirst due to the boat she and her asylum seeking family were remained ignored by the authorities despite its being in Maltese waters. Well, Azzopardi asked Silvio on the issue, who in return stared blankly as he processed the idea of international obligations, never mind compassion towards something, anything that's not himself. “It is easy and nice to talk about this,” the ministrudroid eventually mumbled in response. “But as a government, we have a responsibility to our country.” What responsibility? What country? Would I be unkind to suggest that Silvio Schembri would surely flip a turtle on its back should he meet one while strolling around a scorching desert, or would I be simply making a statement of fact? Since sure, the European Union Malta makes part of has little sympathy towards the immigrant plight - Fortress Europe is called such for a reason - but Malta has human obligations, and if we're not to fit to stick with them then we should go ahead and sell off that particular holdover, the Maltese territorial waters, tuna penning and air control charges be damned. And while we're at let's strip away any vestiges of Malta's supposed Christianity, shall we? How can a country believe in anything when it's being led by literal self-serving demons? Why do we keep on insisting on this idiot charade? For all our myriad sins, let's just go ahead and cut dishonesty from that list, and be honest with ourselves for at least one beautiful, singular moment.
What does the Partit Nazzjonalista stand for, deputy leader Alex Perici Calascione asks in the Times. Well, for sure it stands for being broke, considering it couldn't even afford to hold its traditional celebrations on the Floriana Granaries this year. This used to be something of a fun night out for all the families that hold the party to heart, if one that's occasionally interrupted by some doughy nobody taking to the stage in order to utter some tedious political speech in the direction of an audience that cannot, never mind wants to, pay any attention. Oh well, guess that's the price to pay for attending an free event organised by a political party! Still, the broke-ass party wanted to hold something, anything, in honour of the holiday it celebrates1, so it dedicated the whole evening - and a couple of those before it - to the boring speeches, to the horror of those who were obliged to make the audience and their glazed-over expressions. Well, at least the whole thing was seated, so that's nice. Anyway, what did Perici Calascione read in the Times? Nothing, really. It's a whole bunch of waffle. "The PN is still imperfect today and still has a lot to learn," you say? Jeez, fucking thanks, well done! The day the PN just dies can't come soon enough, it'll be the only way this country gets more than two hideous parties in parliament. If that means an Eternal Labour Party Reich then so be it, it's not as if the PN has much of a chance of winning an election in its current state anyway.
Stop the presses, I'm getting something in my, uhh, News Scope! Lovin Malta is telling us that... let me check my notes... the Labour government's "landmark reforms for using cannabis for personal use are coming up in smoke"? Surely this whole thing wasn't just a cynical exercise in... oh, fuck this, and fuck this segment's overuse of ellipses while I'm at it. It's just fun to learn that the head of the grandly named Authority for the Responsible Use of Cannabis (ARUC) is receiving a stipend worth €80,000 a year for doing fuck all. So now you're noticing a Labour initiative was just little more than cynical smoke, Lovin? A year later? Better late than never, I suppose!
Will we ever see the day when the Times finally gets its dignity back? Because woof, look at this particular act of puffery on the many, many sponsorships Gozitan development mogul Joseph Portelli is committed to! So many sponsorships! Too bad he's just one of the many contractor who spread their cheddar around in order to launder their reputation, so who gives a shit! And let's believe that Portelli just does that because he's so damn nice while we're at it, whatever. It's not as if the Times, Malta's leading English language newspaper, can commit to an editorial stance on the matter, instead putting the onus on the likes of recurring The Maltese Body Politic Wayne Flask and sociologist Michael Briguglio to express some sort of opinion, if one that's veiled through multiple layers of qualifiers. Yes, Portelli might be building up sympathy, he might be buying legitimacy, he might be trying to improve his public image. Great going guys, good thoughts, he's also the party in power's main sponsor so it doesn't matter in the slightest? Shit, now that I think about it maybe Portelli really spreads his money around in order to make the people happy, and if they do so while cheering his name then it's a fun little boost of serotonin to make being one of the island's richest men go down so much smoother. Otherwise what, you thought he needs the permission of any of us hogs in order to profit as he pleases? What are you, stupid?
Do you know what's the definition of money well spent, even when a tuber-headed finance minister is insisting on some form of belt tightening? How about burning no less than €140,000 of taxpayers' monies on sending a government delegation to the United Nations' Security Council? Because that's what ours of government just did! As per The Times, prime minister Bobby is over 30 people with him to New York, with 27 making the officials representing our lovely little island. These include Bobby himself, deputy prime minister Chris Fearne (who I assume deserves something nice after definitely solving that pesky COVID issue here in Malta2), foreign minister Ian Borg, veteran MP Micheal Farrugia and "other ministry officials, a PR team and security officers." Good stuff! The Times adds that there's a separate list of eight other people, which include the prime minister's wife, his daughter, a photograph, an assistant, a communications officer and two more security officer. This whole thing is made even funnier when the UN has technically given the delegation all of six badges, so do the math. Then again imagine being a delegate from any other country suddenly seeing this whole dipshit brigade from Nothing Island storming the breakfast buffet, all elbowing each other for the most prime of bacon and eggs. Again, good shit. Now I'm sure feeling all proud of being Maltese and all that jazz.
Fans of The Maltese Body Politic's staunch anti-tourism stance rejoice, as here's another story where I vomit bile over the very concept of foreigners coming to this island for a potentially fun time. Triggering this outburst is "Carrying Capacity Study for Tourism in the Maltese islands", a Deloitte study commissioned by the Malta Hotels and Restaurants Association (MHRA). According to the study, Malta needs to attract at least 4.7 million arrivals, each staying for an average of seven days, in order to achieve 80& occupancy of the amount of hotel beds both existing and planned. Such numbers would "increase pressure" on the country's crumbling infrastructure, such as the sewage system, a fun fact I could have told you for fucking free. But this all just makes me wonder - why would anyone visit this bloody island for more than a couple of days, if at all? Because seriously, think about it. You land in Malta International Island, where a taxi takes you on an impromptu tour of some of the most wretched roads in the Mediterranean region before you arrive to your overpriced hotel, where you're surrounded by a full barrage of architectural hideousness. Then you either get to take your rental - or, bless your poor soul, tackle public transport - to shuffle around some perfectly fine historical site or squeeze yourself in a spot on a beach the size of a beach towel, before overpaying for a perfectly average meal you could have had literally anywhere else in your hometown. Of course, this is the kind of fine touristic experience the hoteliers making the readership for the Deloitte study don't give a shit about; after all, their hotel-building activities make the perfect laundromats for all sorts of shady money, and should this whole tourism business finally and mercifully go arse up then those hotels can simply be transformed into real estate with a snap of a finger. Too bad such an eventuality wouldn't hurt these people in the slightest, who surely have more than enough squirreled away to let them and their idiot progeny live in absolute comfort for the rest of their awful days, but some sacrifices will have to be made sooner or later. In the meantime, hey tourists! Go home!
With all of that in mind, should it come to any surprise that another survey has shown the Maltese youth have a dismal view of this damn place? Here's EY Generate Youth, whose survey of Maltese 16-27 year olds reveals "almost" 60% of the 2,037 respondents would rather live in another European country. Shit, I'm only surprised the number is not closer to the 100%! There are three reasons as to why the young'uns want to leave the island permanently, which should be very obvious if thought about for half a minute - salaries, job opportunities and the environment. Oh, and 80.9% believe Malta has a culture of impunity? Well, of course it does! As such, the youth would do a lot worse than buggering the fuck out of here, although something tells the majority of those staying here will still vote for the same government bringing about the issues they're complaining about, in which case I have something to tell them - just suck it up like the rest of us you imbeciles, you fucking morons. We're all in this together!
And now? Now I bring this edition of The Maltese Body Politic to a close, obviously. Deathloop hit Xbox Gamepass, which means I can finally give it a shot. I think it's a neat shooter, even if I'm not too sold on its titular gimmick, the "loop" that has you restart the game should you bite the bullet one too many times. Still, it's fun to just kick some dipshit off a ledge and into the sea! Think I'm going to give it another whirl, well, now!
This being Malta the two main parties each have their own national holiday - the PN claims Independence Day, while Republic Day is the Labour one. Why is this so? Bone up on your history, I'm not hear to teach you shit.
I'M JOKING COVID REMAINS A VERY REAL PANDEMIC NO MATTER WHAT YOUR GOVERNMENT INSISTS